What are you going to do with your life? What will you be doing for living?

Hearing these questions I feel like somebody is asking me how my kids will look like. How can you ask for a result, when most of us don’t even get the chance to discover themselves enough, to be able to find out.

What about me? What about all those years doing things that didn’t interest me and frustrated me? What about all the aspects of my personality still undiscovered, simply because life and society didn’t make me experience what is needed to get there. To know and feel what is the right thing to do.

People like to be in control, they like to plan, and to be prepared for things to happen. You call this security. Everybody is looking for some kind of security in life. And this is also how they make their choices.

So imagine yourself in a situation of financial insecurity and pressure. Is this the way how you will choose something that is best for you? Or will you rather make decisions that will lead to a life full of pressure? Or clinging onto something that actually makes you really unhappy, just because you are afraid to lose it, before you can gain something better.

People think they are in control of their life, if they take reasonable decisions. But we all know that life is not given to us with any kind of securities and that we often have no impact on the outcome of decisions we make. We can only minimize the risk, but also the challenge, experience, and fun, by making reasonable decisions.

What most people try to avoid in any case, apart from making mistakes, is nothingness. We are afraid of not knowing and of creating a gap in our life, our CV, or our timeline. But guess what… it is exactly in this gap where the magic happens.

I saw many friends fall and get up again, and secretly I envied them. Of course this was not their choice, but I felt that it opened them up for life, to go for what they really wanted. And for me one of my most horrible experiences in life actually felt like a birth. Like finally waking up.

And it took me a while to get there, to become willing to fall and to get up again. Always thinking about me as a little girl learning how to walk. Taking a few steps, falling, and getting up again. Why do we ever stop doing this?

So first of all, say no to everything that doesn’t feel right to you, don’t accept anything just because of your situation. Life will offer you a lot of crap, but eventually it will also serve you things that match your energy, and more than this, that are exciting and challenging.

Allowing yourself a gap is the best thing you can do to yourself. Only then you will be able to feel not only what is the best option for you, but THE EXPERIENCE YOU CHOOSE to grow and advance in life. This is namely the only thing you can control: choosing the experiences you want to make in your life.

Because then, and only then, there will never be any failures in your life, but consciously taken steps to the next stage of your personal development.

Seeing the example of creativity, I know that this is nothing I am able to deliver under pressure. I see it especially in situations of total relaxation, that my mind comes up with solutions to problems, I’m not even consciously thinking about.

And again it’s the gap which allows our minds to do what they are best in. So if someone wants to know, how I am making decisions, this is exactly what I will tell them. That I learned to allow life to take care of itself and I try to choose the experiences that shape me wisely.

Which does not mean that I am in a constant flow and everything goes the way I would like it. Often it’s really hard to endure times with no progress and to stay positive all the way.

But guess what, that’s exactly how my life feels right now, challenging and exciting.

Every change starts from within. No matter how small it could be. So how did I start to turn my life upside down? It wasn’t really a conscious process. My body helped me in a way, cause many things I actually didn’t like doing, became physically unbearable for me. Like sitting. I guess it was an inner decision I took, that manifested itself externally.

So you want to start something new, but you have no idea how, cause you have been doing all your life the same thing. It’s nothing you can plan, not a goal you actually set and then put effort in it. It has to evolve naturally, often we can already feel it, before anything starts to happen.

Going to Israel was easy because it was my personal fulfillment. When you do something you really love, you are willing to take all the hardships. I was able to build great connections and to grow. But then there will be a point, when you will be confronted with what you have left behind. You will face a reality you had already outgrown before you even left. And it will be not necessarily a pleasure to set your boundaries, but it will be an absolute necessity in order to move on. You cannot say yes to yourself, unless you start saying no to others. And after a year full of yeses, now came the time of nos.

But what happened after my big journey? Did everything around me change? Did everything in the end turn out well? As I came back to Poland and decided to stay in Kraków, not knowing the city and rather for strategic reasons, I immediately took care of my connections. I found a place to stay and instantly met some persons that would become crucial for me. Having this set up, I started looking for an occupation.

This was the only difficult part. Well actually it wasn’t, because I – already before even coming here – had said that I will work in language schools and a museum. But then somehow when things didn’t work out immediately, I was tempted to go back to what I knew, a monthly income. Thank God the offers were so bad, that I couldn’t agree on any of them. So I kept saying no and did some trainings in two museums.

This opened me up again, especially the museum for contemporary art. I felt open, free, and excited about this world of its own. And then I realized I am not going back to any office hell! Even if this should mean being restricted financially for a while. People ask me if I cope financially. No. They also ask me if I have savings from TLV 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 They clearly haven’t been there yet.

Change and starting something from scratch will demand sacrifice. This is nothing but a transition period. This is not where you gonna end up. And here it is important to have at least 2-3 real friends who will believe in you and build you up. This is also something I learned. Anybody who doesn’t contribute positively to your life, will have to go. It may seem harsh, but you cannot focuss on your goals, when you have to convince people standing next to you, doubting and criticising constantly. Moving to another country is anyway the best way to see who your real friends are.

So now that I had installed myself in Kraków, I realized that I won’t be able to fulfill my initial plans here. I won’t be able to convert and I won’t be supporting any business here. This I am now clear about. So is there a reason to stay? “Life is a bridge, don’t build a home on it.” Kraków seems to be more of a train station for me, where I meet different kind of people and where I acquire new skills that will prepare me for my further journey.

My destination is clear. But something made me change my approach, my perspective on things. I left because I wanted a certain kind of lifestyle. And now that I found the perfect place for me, I want to go back. But it’s not only about having a certain kind of lifestyle anymore. And also not about doing anything possible to get back there. It’s about having a life I will love, just like I love Israel, with all the pros and cons. So creating a life I will love is nothing I will find there, it’s something I need to do in order to get there.

I don’t want a life I will have to escape from. I don’t want to do something I don’t love doing. And I don’t want to waste my life with people who are not at least “Marrocan” crazy about me. 😉 So having all this on my plate, I still was not able to see the dish life was about to serve me. And people who know me well, know how unbearable standstill is for me. I constantly hear myself yelling: “Yalla, Yalla!” Cause everything here is so slow and I constantly have to lower my voice and to reduce my pace.

Eventually life surprised me. A good friend told me that teaching is more important for the teacher than for the student. And I was able to experience this throughout the whole year. When you start talking to people, you will learn to listen. You will be patient and attentive, while you will be given access to the biggest variety of life experiences you can imagine. I met so many people who are just like me, curious about the world and the possibilities it offers you, willing to take risks and initiate changes. Talking about mistakes they made and decisions they took, about their biggest dreams and failures.

Now that I am not only teaching languages, but also learning a new language myself, I felt again how much I LOVE to learn new things, how easy and satisfying this process is to me, and how much peace and contentment I feel after giving a lesson with this awareness. And suddenly all comes together. It clicks and you realize there is nothing more to be done. Because everything is already there.

My goal for 2019 is set. Call it a coincidence, but in my happiest moments 2018 I was wearing a bikini or even less. I realized that clothes are in my way to happiness. I want to spend 2019 in a bikini. 👙👣🌴

Urodziłam się w tym kraju i mało wiem o jego historii. Wiem że jak byłam mała wszystkiego było za mało. Ludzie żyli w nieustannym braku, sklepy były puste, a jak coś w nich było, to trzeba było stać dniami i nocami w kolejkach.

Raz obudziłam się z kuzynka w domu, byłyśmy same bez mam. Mamy poszły do rzeźnika stać w kolejce po kości do zupy. A my myslałyśmy że ktoś nam ukradł mamy i chciałyśmy uciec przez balkon na parterze i powiadomić policję która znajdywała się na przeciw.

Mówiono mi że to jest komuna. Krzyczałam: Nie ma wolności bez solidarności! Ale mama mi mówiła że tak tylko mogę mówić w domu. Na ulicy tak nie wolno bo pójdę do więzienia. I mimo to że w ogóle nie wiesz o co chodzi, nawet jako dziecko czujesz że coś jest tu grubo nie tak, jeżeli wsadzą ciebie do więzienia za słowa.

Wyjechaliśmy z tego kraju bo na zachodzie była wolność. Dopiero teraz widzę największy dar który te życie za granicą mi dało: jestem wolna, nie interesuje mnie to co inni robią i myślą i czy moja droga jest normalna czy nie. Mimo wszystko jestem Polką. Czułam to już po zakończeniu studiów że chce wrócić do Polski, ale wiadomo zero doświadczenia, zero kasy, i zero kontaktów. Zostałam w Niemczech.

I drogo za to zapłaciłam bo stworzyłam życie które mi wcale nie odpowiadało. Zadawalałam siebie rzeczami które mi bardziej szkodziły niż wzbogacały moje życie. I w pewnym momencie wiedziałam że wracam do Polski. Że muszę odnaleźć tą część siebie żeby czuć się całą. Na dobre i na złe. Żeby być sobie dosyć.

Od kiedy opuściłam ten bezpieczny szlak, moje życie stało się kolorowe i nabrało smaku. Mówię tutaj o wszystkich kolorach i smakach, i wolałam takie życie niż mdły smak bezpieczeństwa i nudy. Ale co spotkało mnie w Polsce? Myślę że dobrym podsumowaniem jest: to kraj między “Kurwa, ja pierdole” i “Jezus Chrystus i Maria Święta”. Życie w Polsce jest proste, ludzie bardziej naturalni, ale nadal lubią się trzymać wyznaczonych zasad. Były zabory, była komuna, a teraz jest kapitalizm i nowoczesne niewolnictwo. Nowe pokolenie ciśnie na studia, do korpo, do banku po kredyt. Żyje dalej wzorem.

Kiedy miałam 13 lat pojechałam do Polski na kolonie w góry. Był tam góral który śpiewał nam przy ognisku piosenkę której treść była zakazana. Nigdy nie zapomnę słów ale też nigdy nie odnalazłam reszty tekstu: “Statystyczny uniform prawie szyty na miarę, precyzyjny jak echo, jak szwajcarski zegarek. Chociaż kradnął powietrze, chociaż dusił pod szyją, ale jakoś się żyło, jakoś się żyło.”

I mamy teraz rok 2018 a te słowa są dalej jak najbardziej aktualne. Ten kraj nie chce wolności bo jej jeszcze wcale nie posmakował. I jak można robić ludziom zarzuty. Ta nasza ojczyzna o którą ojcowie nie byli w stanie zadbać. Bo nie mieli wzorców, bo byli dziećmi ludzi straumatyzowanych wojną, i nawet jeżeli nie pili, to mało robili. Nasi ojcowie byli w najlepszym przypadku trzeźwi i obecni.

A matki? Dlaczego polska kobieta musi być suką? Dlaczego musi być ciagle niezadowolona i narzekać, równocześnie nigdy nie przyjmować pomocy od innych? Wydaje mi się że Polacy lubią takie kobiety, bo o nie trzeba się starać. Bo one są odbiciem ich własnego braku wartości. Bo łatwiej się trzymać czegoś co jest ci znane. I tak to się toczy z pokolenia na pokolenie, ten brak który hamóje w pełni rozwój i wolność.

Wiem że wsadzam palce do rany, ale co to dla nas znaczy? Żyjemy w kraju w którym ludzie dalej udawają, w którym nie mówi się w rodzinach otwarcie o niczym, już nie mówiąc wcale o słabościach. Bo tego tutaj nie ma. Brak czułości i empatii, bo traumy powojenne były tak mocne, że ten naród odciął się od swoich podrzeb i braków uczuciowych.

I to zrobiło coś z nami co działa chyba najbardziej destrukcyjnie. Nie ufamy sobie ani innym. W każdym widzimy wroga. “Polak Polakowi największym wrogiem.” To siedzi w naszych głowach, to widać na codzień jak człowiek traktuje człowieka. Panuje chamstwo i pazerność.

Teraz tylko liczy się nadrobić te stracone lata, bo wartość jest tylko w tym co budujesz. Tak że każdy teraz chce pracować, zarabiać i kupować. To nie jest życie. Pozwalamy na to że obce rynki (bo nadal mało polskich firm w tej Polsce) tworzą sobie dostęp do naszego życia, domu, i rodziny. A co gorsze, naszej woli.

Apropos braki. Czy ktoś jeszcze myśli o tych 3 milionach osób które wyjechały? Czy ktoś czuje te braki, że w prawie każdej polskiej rodzinie kogoś nie ma? Dla mnie to jest następna duża trauma tego kraju o której konsekwencji jeszcze nie mamy pojęcia. Chowając się w Berlinie uczono nas w szkole że brakuje nam 6 milion osób które stracił Holocaust. Czy tutaj w Polsce ktoś uczy tego że 3 milionów osób wyjechało żeby przeżyć. Ja to czuję że rodzina jest daleko i mimo to żeby chciała wrócić nadal nie ma zbyt jak. “Bo z czego tu żyć?” To chyba najbardziej słyszane zdanie w Polsce.

I tak ja podsumowuje te 100-lecie. Rodzi się nowe pokolenie które nie będzie w stanie zrozumieć co nas zrobiło takich jacy jesteśmy. Każdy naród ma swoje traumy. Jak się wydaje Polacy chyba zawarli abonament, ale to też coś o nas świadczy. Że jesteśmy silniejsi bo jesteśmy w stanie to wszystko wytrzymać i żyć dalej. Tylko że życie to nie jest zaledwie przeżycie. Siła rodzi się z wspólnego pokonywania tych traum, rozmawiania o tym co boli ale też o tym co ma przynieść przyszłość.

Będąc w tym roku w Izraelu zrozumiałam jak bardzo nasze narody i losy są powiązane. Trzeba walczyć o swoje i trzymać się tradycji. Ja płaczę bo nie mam szans na wizę o pracę, ale widzę jak zagraniczne firmy wykorzystują Polaków i mam szacunek przed krajem który stawia swoich obywatelów na pierwszym miejscu.

Droga Polsko, życzę Tobie dużych zmian wewnętrznych, nie na raz, krok po kroku. A przede wszystkim poczucia wartości, zaufania w siebie i empatii wobec swoich ran. 🤝

I guess it was somewhat in July that I started feeling I wanna stay here. This is my place on earth. My neighbour and best friend Golan offered me to move to his place on the rooftop and my first thought was: no way, how can I move to my own place, when I don’t even know I can stay here? (That’s Golan, the most relaxed, supporting, and generous person I know):

But then, thinking about it, having my own rooftop in TLV, a dream would come true. So basically the whole month was about bringing the good news to my Marrocan roommate (don’t even try to explain to them, why you take decisions on your own) and organising everything about it.

Once I was up there, I forgot the world around me, this was my piece of heaven. In the middle of this lively vibrating city, I found my peace and chilling on my roof with ARAK at night was my daily ritual.

My cat loved her new life as a wild cat. In the beginning I was really scared to let her go, but as I always say: if you want to gain trust, first you have to give it. And after my first cat mom heart attack, I became more and more relaxed and really proud of how my cat from Police handled her new freedom.

I started looking for jobs, applied, had interviews, and was convinced that I will find something I will really like and that will allow me staying. One language school wanted to open a French class for university entrance tests and they wanted to hire me, if I was able to get the visa somehow.

At this point I still had no idea how impossible this was. It was only at a private school in Herzeliya that the school director told me what it means to hire somebody from abroad. This was the crucial moment I understood, that I will have to find another way.

And then everybody was telling me: You are hot, why don’t you get yourself an Israeli boyfriend? Why? Because I am not looking for another boyfriend in my life. I did this four times in my life and somehow it was never fulfilling. And now I wanted to take the time for myself and wait for something real. The thought of faking something I don’t believe in was absurd.

Which does not mean that I didn’t try it. I did a great casting and you can imagine how much guys in TLV are into commitment. In the end I even managed to find somebody willing to do this with me, but the rules of the game had changed in the meantime, and the stay was only according to my current visa. Ending on 12th September 2018.

My last chance was to go to the misrad hapnim and ask them for an extension of my third tourist visa. I spent countless hours there and we prepared all the needed documents. My friend Golan even wrote a very personal letter and I was convinced I will get another three months stay. Why should they say no?

Therefore I bought a ticket for the rabbits in the sand party on the 15th September. I went to the party and thought I am celebrating my stay in Israel.

The next day, Golan and I were going to the misrad to pick up the decision. I was ready to accept whatever was about to happen, cause already back in August I had this feeling, and I was telling this to a friend, that I feel like going home. Back then everything still seemed possible. But I felt that it would be a waste of time staying until the end of the year, not being able to legalize my stay and get a working permit.

Finally they call our number, the woman gives Golan a sheet of paper. He starts reading, he is upset. He tells me that they denied my request. It’s 16th September and I have 7 days to leave the country. 7 fucking days to leave my life not even knowing where to go. From this moment on I am functioning. I start organizing everything step my step.

Nobody wants to believe it. I do.

My only concern is Cookie, anything else is just things. I don’t really care about it. But my cat has to stay in the best place possible. I cannot take her with me. It’s holidays, there are no direct flights to Poland. My friend Sophia suggests to take Cookie, I know she will be great there, but I am concerned about Louis, she never lived with a dog before. But we risk it anyway. Real footage of the two:

It’s my last days in TLV. I meet people, go places, enjoy the beach and my city. My home. I try to take a bit of every person I met here with me. I try to keep the warmth and love they gave me. I try to keep this feeling of being finally home.

23th September is the day of my departure. It’s a Sunday, I take a cab to the airport. I get on the plane and as the engine starts, the tears begin to run…

This is going to be my month. Not only were friends coming to see me, I was also going back to Poland to renew my visa, and I was celebrating my first birthday in Israel.

The month started with the visit of my Finish Perkele Toulouse Erasmus friend Marika, whom I’ve known for 16 years now. This is madness!!

Although her arrival in Israel was somewhat more madness. I stayed up that night, cause she landed at midnight. Then she passed the border control, where she said that she is visiting me (bad karma), and after this she was taken to an interview waiting nightmare, cause apparently the flight from Finland was full with Russian women who didn’t speak English. So we were waiting, and waiting… and waiting for 7 fucking hours. My dear God. I wonder that she didn’t fly back in that time, but after she got her prostitute visa (just kidding), she was ready to discover the wonders of this country.

For me the Zitterpartie just started, cause I knew I am going back to Poland just a few days after her arrival and I knew that they will check on me. So when I was leaving the country I just got a different exit permit, but when I came back only 2,5 days later, they immediately took me to the waiting area.

You are sitting there and have no idea what will happen and how long it will take. And although you didn’t do anything wrong, you still feel like a criminal. To get rid of my nervousness I started talking to this Danish-Egyptian guy and was telling him of my time out, bringing my cat to Israel, and my hopefully last tourist visa to come. When I was called for my first interview, it actually ended within 30 seconds. Some easy questions and I had my next 90 days stay. But I also knew that this was the last one, that I don’t want to come back with such an insecure feeling anymore.

After my return I celebrated my 36th birthday. People who know me and my crazy party energy will be surprised that I wanted to keep it cosy and private this year. I wanted to sit with friends in a nice restaurant and this is exactly what happened. It was perfect.

Maybe also because I just feel right, at the right time, in the right place. The decision to follow my inner truth was taken already some years before, but just now I am able to enjoy the fruits of my hard inner work. Just now I feel what is right and what not for me, trust the flow of life, and believe that everything falls into place like it’s meant to be. I feel rich, rich in experience, rich in feelings, and rich in great people surrounding and uplifting me.

People are telling me that I made a bold decision to come here. It feels like light-years away already. I took many other decisions ever since, but the most important one was to open up, to heal myself from the disease they call here “being polish”, being cold and closed inside. My goal was not to gain a visa as most people would think. I came here to open up my heart, to break my isolation, and to let people into my life who will appreciate me and be willing to stay. And all this is about to happen. This is my personal truth about Israel. My inexhaustible love for Israel.

During this month also a friend’s friend was here. Diana, an amazing girl. Sweet, but tough and determined. We were spending a lot of time together and although we were strangers in the beginning, when she was leaving after two weeks it felt already like I am losing a friend. This is this place, everything is more intense.

After Diana’s return, a part of me came to Israel. My best friend in the world – I simply call her Janine. You need to know that Janine was with me in my darkest times and her place is the only home I can think of. She is fucking amazing. She has all the missing parts of me and what is best, loves and accepts me no matter what. She is the best person I know and she knows that my fountain of love will always flow for her.

Anyway, the day she landed we went to this awesome desert techno party. 😁 Before we went there, we already said that we are not willing to do any camping activities (keep that in mind). So going there we had a little bottle of Arak (best drink ever) on our way. It was our first desert party, so we brought lots of water and fruits, and basically that’s it.

Friends handed us some Zauberbrause that brought us in the right magical mood and Janine decided that it was the right time to have a massage. I focussed all my witchery on an object of love and fell for this guy, whose name I will never remember. This is not a joke. I was convinced I met the love of my life, we went up on this mountain, followed by a red cat, and I can hardly recall bits of our conversation. Wow I really didn’t like this Zauberbrause, cause the next day, all the Zauber was gone and I was so so sad about it.

Talking about the next day, I woke up in a tent on a matress next to the love of my life – Janine. Both hangover af, in the desert. I thought my friend was dying and told her everything will be better once she will drink the 1,5 l of water. I guess the first two hours after getting up I was still drunk. Then the hangover set in. Uff!

But honestly there are worse things than being hangover at a desert party sourrounded by beautiful people and amazing music. So we got back to life and left this amazing place with a great pass out camping experience.

June, I really loved you. You were the best month until now. I can only hope that August will top you.