How did the Corona crisis affect my life this far? While all the others are losing it, I feel I made major gains. Which goes well together with the fact that I stopped wearing pants 10 days ago. I feel I started growing again. I was talking on the weekend to my friend Marika from Finland and we were joking if we can break our Toulouse record, where we both gained 10kg !!! in only 5 months. Currently, I am my own fucking full time catering service, cause apparently I need to be fed like a parking meter every 2 hours. It took me some packages of chips and chocolate and some bottles of wine to cope with the first wave of panic. This was only after I ran to the shops and bought more canned food than the Russians are keeping in their nuclear bunkers. Hummus for a very long time!

Despite the food, people keep on telling me how bored they are. I have no idea what they are talking about. I haven’t been this busy in years! At this point I want to thank my parents for isolating me during my childhood, so I became a somewhat very loud introvert and learned already at a very early age how to keep myself occupied. So now all the movement in my life is just internalized, and I am running from work to my Kaballah lesson, to my Hebrew lesson, to my Reiki healing session, to my yoga class, to my watch parties, to my face time calls. I feel I haven’t been doing this great for years. I feel that everything that was holding me back from doing the things that are really me is gone. It feels like after an internal reset I am loading all the new relevant data on my hard disk.

So all the people who are sitting there and just don’t know what to do with themselves. Imagine it’s 2020 and a virus did some severe damage to your system. You will for sure lose some of your data, but you will also have the chance to renew your downloads and get some amazing new programs to work on (#changeyourhabits). So if there is anything you ever wanted to learn, any kind of skills you wanted to acquire. The time is now. Check for some inspirations: https://www.udemy.com/

In the beginning of the month I actually already felt the threat coming, because men in Berlin started hitting on me at daylight in public transport. And I was like: Amazing, finally the Israel vibe comes to Europe. Yalla! Live like there is no tomorrow. But quickly I realized they were just afraid, looking for some strong female emotional support. Many of them were telling me that they are afraid to put on weight now. Really? The world is about to end and all I am talking about is their growing bellies!? Dear men, man up, stop eating and start training your bodies for the after-quarantine! And at this point I realized that although it might be tempting to find a partner in quarantine, it seems more promising to wait and let nature take care of it. #survivalofthefittest

But of course I understand that each and every one of us reacts differently to a potential threat, and this is what the last two weeks were about. Whenever things start to fall apart our Western civilization wants to take back control. The buddhists relax cause for them chaos is just a necessary step to create a new order. When the Amazonas was burning, the threat seemed far away. Then Australia got destroyed by fires and yet again people where concerned, but not really affected. I don’t know how you felt about these incidences, but for me it was clear that our planet is a closed system and every action will bring a reaction. So now we are struggling with a lung disease which is taking our breath.

And suddenly we are all in this together. Each and every one of us is a potential target, despite our sex, age, and cultural background. We are all experiencing fear, uncertainty, and vulnerability at this moment. It seems ironic that we are so much concerned about the elder population, and they don’t seem to be bothered at all. Everybody tries to create a situation of safety and comfort for himself and it does not surprise me at all that I live in a society that thinks it can buy its way out of the crisis. These people were born into a consumer society and this is their coping mechanism. Whenever things go wrong we get something new to make us feel good. Looking at the younger generation, which is the incorporation of their brands, it’s even worse cause they don’t understand that the world is at fucking war, and nobody needs them anymore.

I think we have all seen now what people are having for breakfast, how their skin care routine looks like, what kind of underwear they wear, and how many yoga sessions they are doing per day (yawn). Where is the content? Where is the value? Suddenly, they all start doing charity because they see their existence (“influencer is my job”) threatened and how else could they justify their keep on going and total ignorance of the current situation. Here I have to say that I am very proud of my little sister who had a lot of offers to work on the internet, but in the end decided not to. The influencers will get eaten by the new virus and that’s only one of the potential great changes it will bring. Check on https://www.facebook.com/OliverPocher/ for more solid updates on this.
But coming back to our all situation. To be locked down, not able to move freely. To be kept in our houses like animals. Wait! We think we are losing “our lives” because our view is so egoistic and restricted, but think about people who are part of our consumption cycle and work somewhere 12 hours a day so we can get our cheap made in China shit. Think of all the animals caged and tortured, so we can eat their meat. I think it’s a great time to sit down and reflect how privileged we are and how many options we have in life.

Somebody cancelled all the distractions, all the external entertainment because he wanted us to sit down and feel. Not punish us, not bring the karma, no “what goes around comes around”. This always has a negative aspect to it. But this total isolation is connecting us on a much deeper level. People who have already experienced their awakening know that we are all connected in a soul consciousness and nourished by the delightful life force energy. Every crisis brings danger, but at the same time immense opportunities.

When you understand this concept of duality (as you have with Ying and Yang) you will also understand that this split is not meant to separate us, but quite the contrary. The isolation leads to a stronger conscious connection. People see now the life they have created for themselves and there is no way to escape it. People who are not where they would like to be feel the urge to get there. And people who were until now hesitating will sharpen their view on what is really important to them. At the same time we see and feel the effects of our actions in the systems and societies we live in (such as complete neglect of our leaders). This experience is to be shared because it is an overall experience that affects all of us, and will be wasted if we stay in our isolated suffering.

It seems the time has come when “the planet does not need more successful people. The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of all kinds.” (Dalai Lama) Because now we can see more than ever, that we are only as strong as the world we live in. And I see that the people of value in my life are not people chasing status and money, but bringing their unique light into my life. Today, I will mention three of them: Dragan Simicevic who is not only my school friend I know for 100 years, but a highly professional psychologist, coach, and consultant with many years of experience (IG @exploreself), Adriaan Machete (www.adriaanseven.org) who is an amazing tattoo artist, shaman, and yoga teacher (we are working since last summer together in energy healing sessions); and Itzik Lanciano who is providing the right soundtrack for your soul these days: https://youtu.be/jncHqtw1yQ8 (IG @earth_connect). This is the kind of support and solidarity we need now.

I am very privileged to work in a Jewish company. Neither because I know that the cash will flow, nor because I can be sure that we will survive 😉 But because this is my first job where my currency is empathy and my budget the customer satisfaction. So when the crisis was announced our direction immediately took the right measures for their employees. As a second step the gift cards of our online bonus program got reduced so the people will get more for their “bucks”. So for those of you who are really bored now, you have plenty of possibilities to earn money online and if you don’t want to keep it, just donate it to people who are in need. If you wanna know what I am doing register on Swagbucks: https://www.swagbucks.com/refer/swaguser20104477

If you want to help people in Germany, check on you neighbours if somebody around you needs help: https://www.quarantaenehelden.org/#/

And above all, invest in yourself and make your soul a beautiful, happy, and safe place.

Lots of love to you.
Your beatitude.

What are you going to do with your life? What will you be doing for living?

Hearing these questions I feel like somebody is asking me how my kids will look like. How can you ask for a result, when most of us don’t even get the chance to discover themselves enough, to be able to find out.

What about me? What about all those years doing things that didn’t interest me and frustrated me? What about all the aspects of my personality still undiscovered, simply because life and society didn’t make me experience what is needed to get there. To know and feel what is the right thing to do.

People like to be in control, they like to plan, and to be prepared for things to happen. You call this security. Everybody is looking for some kind of security in life. And this is also how they make their choices.

So imagine yourself in a situation of financial insecurity and pressure. Is this the way how you will choose something that is best for you? Or will you rather make decisions that will lead to a life full of pressure? Or clinging onto something that actually makes you really unhappy, just because you are afraid to lose it, before you can gain something better.

People think they are in control of their life, if they take reasonable decisions. But we all know that life is not given to us with any kind of securities and that we often have no impact on the outcome of decisions we make. We can only minimize the risk, but also the challenge, experience, and fun, by making reasonable decisions.

What most people try to avoid in any case, apart from making mistakes, is nothingness. We are afraid of not knowing and of creating a gap in our life, our CV, or our timeline. But guess what… it is exactly in this gap where the magic happens.

I saw many friends fall and get up again, and secretly I envied them. Of course this was not their choice, but I felt that it opened them up for life, to go for what they really wanted. And for me one of my most horrible experiences in life actually felt like a birth. Like finally waking up.

And it took me a while to get there, to become willing to fall and to get up again. Always thinking about me as a little girl learning how to walk. Taking a few steps, falling, and getting up again. Why do we ever stop doing this?

So first of all, say no to everything that doesn’t feel right to you, don’t accept anything just because of your situation. Life will offer you a lot of crap, but eventually it will also serve you things that match your energy, and more than this, that are exciting and challenging.

Allowing yourself a gap is the best thing you can do to yourself. Only then you will be able to feel not only what is the best option for you, but THE EXPERIENCE YOU CHOOSE to grow and advance in life. This is namely the only thing you can control: choosing the experiences you want to make in your life.

Because then, and only then, there will never be any failures in your life, but consciously taken steps to the next stage of your personal development.

Seeing the example of creativity, I know that this is nothing I am able to deliver under pressure. I see it especially in situations of total relaxation, that my mind comes up with solutions to problems, I’m not even consciously thinking about.

And again it’s the gap which allows our minds to do what they are best in. So if someone wants to know, how I am making decisions, this is exactly what I will tell them. That I learned to allow life to take care of itself and I try to choose the experiences that shape me wisely.

Which does not mean that I am in a constant flow and everything goes the way I would like it. Often it’s really hard to endure times with no progress and to stay positive all the way.

But guess what, that’s exactly how my life feels right now, challenging and exciting.

Every change starts from within. No matter how small it could be. So how did I start to turn my life upside down? It wasn’t really a conscious process. My body helped me in a way, cause many things I actually didn’t like doing, became physically unbearable for me. Like sitting. I guess it was an inner decision I took, that manifested itself externally.

So you want to start something new, but you have no idea how, cause you have been doing all your life the same thing. It’s nothing you can plan, not a goal you actually set and then put effort in it. It has to evolve naturally, often we can already feel it, before anything starts to happen.

Going to Israel was easy because it was my personal fulfillment. When you do something you really love, you are willing to take all the hardships. I was able to build great connections and to grow. But then there will be a point, when you will be confronted with what you have left behind. You will face a reality you had already outgrown before you even left. And it will be not necessarily a pleasure to set your boundaries, but it will be an absolute necessity in order to move on. You cannot say yes to yourself, unless you start saying no to others. And after a year full of yeses, now came the time of nos.

But what happened after my big journey? Did everything around me change? Did everything in the end turn out well? As I came back to Poland and decided to stay in Kraków, not knowing the city and rather for strategic reasons, I immediately took care of my connections. I found a place to stay and instantly met some persons that would become crucial for me. Having this set up, I started looking for an occupation.

This was the only difficult part. Well actually it wasn’t, because I – already before even coming here – had said that I will work in language schools and a museum. But then somehow when things didn’t work out immediately, I was tempted to go back to what I knew, a monthly income. Thank God the offers were so bad, that I couldn’t agree on any of them. So I kept saying no and did some trainings in two museums.

This opened me up again, especially the museum for contemporary art. I felt open, free, and excited about this world of its own. And then I realized I am not going back to any office hell! Even if this should mean being restricted financially for a while. People ask me if I cope financially. No. They also ask me if I have savings from TLV 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 They clearly haven’t been there yet.

Change and starting something from scratch will demand sacrifice. This is nothing but a transition period. This is not where you gonna end up. And here it is important to have at least 2-3 real friends who will believe in you and build you up. This is also something I learned. Anybody who doesn’t contribute positively to your life, will have to go. It may seem harsh, but you cannot focuss on your goals, when you have to convince people standing next to you, doubting and criticising constantly. Moving to another country is anyway the best way to see who your real friends are.

So now that I had installed myself in Kraków, I realized that I won’t be able to fulfill my initial plans here. I won’t be able to convert and I won’t be supporting any business here. This I am now clear about. So is there a reason to stay? “Life is a bridge, don’t build a home on it.” Kraków seems to be more of a train station for me, where I meet different kind of people and where I acquire new skills that will prepare me for my further journey.

My destination is clear. But something made me change my approach, my perspective on things. I left because I wanted a certain kind of lifestyle. And now that I found the perfect place for me, I want to go back. But it’s not only about having a certain kind of lifestyle anymore. And also not about doing anything possible to get back there. It’s about having a life I will love, just like I love Israel, with all the pros and cons. So creating a life I will love is nothing I will find there, it’s something I need to do in order to get there.

I don’t want a life I will have to escape from. I don’t want to do something I don’t love doing. And I don’t want to waste my life with people who are not at least “Marrocan” crazy about me. 😉 So having all this on my plate, I still was not able to see the dish life was about to serve me. And people who know me well, know how unbearable standstill is for me. I constantly hear myself yelling: “Yalla, Yalla!” Cause everything here is so slow and I constantly have to lower my voice and to reduce my pace.

Eventually life surprised me. A good friend told me that teaching is more important for the teacher than for the student. And I was able to experience this throughout the whole year. When you start talking to people, you will learn to listen. You will be patient and attentive, while you will be given access to the biggest variety of life experiences you can imagine. I met so many people who are just like me, curious about the world and the possibilities it offers you, willing to take risks and initiate changes. Talking about mistakes they made and decisions they took, about their biggest dreams and failures.

Now that I am not only teaching languages, but also learning a new language myself, I felt again how much I LOVE to learn new things, how easy and satisfying this process is to me, and how much peace and contentment I feel after giving a lesson with this awareness. And suddenly all comes together. It clicks and you realize there is nothing more to be done. Because everything is already there.

My goal for 2019 is set. Call it a coincidence, but in my happiest moments 2018 I was wearing a bikini or even less. I realized that clothes are in my way to happiness. I want to spend 2019 in a bikini. 👙👣🌴

Urodziłam się w tym kraju i mało wiem o jego historii. Wiem że jak byłam mała wszystkiego było za mało. Ludzie żyli w nieustannym braku, sklepy były puste, a jak coś w nich było, to trzeba było stać dniami i nocami w kolejkach.

Raz obudziłam się z kuzynka w domu, byłyśmy same bez mam. Mamy poszły do rzeźnika stać w kolejce po kości do zupy. A my myslałyśmy że ktoś nam ukradł mamy i chciałyśmy uciec przez balkon na parterze i powiadomić policję która znajdywała się na przeciw.

Mówiono mi że to jest komuna. Krzyczałam: Nie ma wolności bez solidarności! Ale mama mi mówiła że tak tylko mogę mówić w domu. Na ulicy tak nie wolno bo pójdę do więzienia. I mimo to że w ogóle nie wiesz o co chodzi, nawet jako dziecko czujesz że coś jest tu grubo nie tak, jeżeli wsadzą ciebie do więzienia za słowa.

Wyjechaliśmy z tego kraju bo na zachodzie była wolność. Dopiero teraz widzę największy dar który te życie za granicą mi dało: jestem wolna, nie interesuje mnie to co inni robią i myślą i czy moja droga jest normalna czy nie. Mimo wszystko jestem Polką. Czułam to już po zakończeniu studiów że chce wrócić do Polski, ale wiadomo zero doświadczenia, zero kasy, i zero kontaktów. Zostałam w Niemczech.

I drogo za to zapłaciłam bo stworzyłam życie które mi wcale nie odpowiadało. Zadawalałam siebie rzeczami które mi bardziej szkodziły niż wzbogacały moje życie. I w pewnym momencie wiedziałam że wracam do Polski. Że muszę odnaleźć tą część siebie żeby czuć się całą. Na dobre i na złe. Żeby być sobie dosyć.

Od kiedy opuściłam ten bezpieczny szlak, moje życie stało się kolorowe i nabrało smaku. Mówię tutaj o wszystkich kolorach i smakach, i wolałam takie życie niż mdły smak bezpieczeństwa i nudy. Ale co spotkało mnie w Polsce? Myślę że dobrym podsumowaniem jest: to kraj między “Kurwa, ja pierdole” i “Jezus Chrystus i Maria Święta”. Życie w Polsce jest proste, ludzie bardziej naturalni, ale nadal lubią się trzymać wyznaczonych zasad. Były zabory, była komuna, a teraz jest kapitalizm i nowoczesne niewolnictwo. Nowe pokolenie ciśnie na studia, do korpo, do banku po kredyt. Żyje dalej wzorem.

Kiedy miałam 13 lat pojechałam do Polski na kolonie w góry. Był tam góral który śpiewał nam przy ognisku piosenkę której treść była zakazana. Nigdy nie zapomnę słów ale też nigdy nie odnalazłam reszty tekstu: “Statystyczny uniform prawie szyty na miarę, precyzyjny jak echo, jak szwajcarski zegarek. Chociaż kradnął powietrze, chociaż dusił pod szyją, ale jakoś się żyło, jakoś się żyło.”

I mamy teraz rok 2018 a te słowa są dalej jak najbardziej aktualne. Ten kraj nie chce wolności bo jej jeszcze wcale nie posmakował. I jak można robić ludziom zarzuty. Ta nasza ojczyzna o którą ojcowie nie byli w stanie zadbać. Bo nie mieli wzorców, bo byli dziećmi ludzi straumatyzowanych wojną, i nawet jeżeli nie pili, to mało robili. Nasi ojcowie byli w najlepszym przypadku trzeźwi i obecni.

A matki? Dlaczego polska kobieta musi być suką? Dlaczego musi być ciagle niezadowolona i narzekać, równocześnie nigdy nie przyjmować pomocy od innych? Wydaje mi się że Polacy lubią takie kobiety, bo o nie trzeba się starać. Bo one są odbiciem ich własnego braku wartości. Bo łatwiej się trzymać czegoś co jest ci znane. I tak to się toczy z pokolenia na pokolenie, ten brak który hamóje w pełni rozwój i wolność.

Wiem że wsadzam palce do rany, ale co to dla nas znaczy? Żyjemy w kraju w którym ludzie dalej udawają, w którym nie mówi się w rodzinach otwarcie o niczym, już nie mówiąc wcale o słabościach. Bo tego tutaj nie ma. Brak czułości i empatii, bo traumy powojenne były tak mocne, że ten naród odciął się od swoich podrzeb i braków uczuciowych.

I to zrobiło coś z nami co działa chyba najbardziej destrukcyjnie. Nie ufamy sobie ani innym. W każdym widzimy wroga. “Polak Polakowi największym wrogiem.” To siedzi w naszych głowach, to widać na codzień jak człowiek traktuje człowieka. Panuje chamstwo i pazerność.

Teraz tylko liczy się nadrobić te stracone lata, bo wartość jest tylko w tym co budujesz. Tak że każdy teraz chce pracować, zarabiać i kupować. To nie jest życie. Pozwalamy na to że obce rynki (bo nadal mało polskich firm w tej Polsce) tworzą sobie dostęp do naszego życia, domu, i rodziny. A co gorsze, naszej woli.

Apropos braki. Czy ktoś jeszcze myśli o tych 3 milionach osób które wyjechały? Czy ktoś czuje te braki, że w prawie każdej polskiej rodzinie kogoś nie ma? Dla mnie to jest następna duża trauma tego kraju o której konsekwencji jeszcze nie mamy pojęcia. Chowając się w Berlinie uczono nas w szkole że brakuje nam 6 milion osób które stracił Holocaust. Czy tutaj w Polsce ktoś uczy tego że 3 milionów osób wyjechało żeby przeżyć. Ja to czuję że rodzina jest daleko i mimo to żeby chciała wrócić nadal nie ma zbyt jak. “Bo z czego tu żyć?” To chyba najbardziej słyszane zdanie w Polsce.

I tak ja podsumowuje te 100-lecie. Rodzi się nowe pokolenie które nie będzie w stanie zrozumieć co nas zrobiło takich jacy jesteśmy. Każdy naród ma swoje traumy. Jak się wydaje Polacy chyba zawarli abonament, ale to też coś o nas świadczy. Że jesteśmy silniejsi bo jesteśmy w stanie to wszystko wytrzymać i żyć dalej. Tylko że życie to nie jest zaledwie przeżycie. Siła rodzi się z wspólnego pokonywania tych traum, rozmawiania o tym co boli ale też o tym co ma przynieść przyszłość.

Będąc w tym roku w Izraelu zrozumiałam jak bardzo nasze narody i losy są powiązane. Trzeba walczyć o swoje i trzymać się tradycji. Ja płaczę bo nie mam szans na wizę o pracę, ale widzę jak zagraniczne firmy wykorzystują Polaków i mam szacunek przed krajem który stawia swoich obywatelów na pierwszym miejscu.

Droga Polsko, życzę Tobie dużych zmian wewnętrznych, nie na raz, krok po kroku. A przede wszystkim poczucia wartości, zaufania w siebie i empatii wobec swoich ran. 🤝

I guess it was somewhat in July that I started feeling I wanna stay here. This is my place on earth. My neighbour and best friend Golan offered me to move to his place on the rooftop and my first thought was: no way, how can I move to my own place, when I don’t even know I can stay here? (That’s Golan, the most relaxed, supporting, and generous person I know):

But then, thinking about it, having my own rooftop in TLV, a dream would come true. So basically the whole month was about bringing the good news to my Marrocan roommate (don’t even try to explain to them, why you take decisions on your own) and organising everything about it.

Once I was up there, I forgot the world around me, this was my piece of heaven. In the middle of this lively vibrating city, I found my peace and chilling on my roof with ARAK at night was my daily ritual.

My cat loved her new life as a wild cat. In the beginning I was really scared to let her go, but as I always say: if you want to gain trust, first you have to give it. And after my first cat mom heart attack, I became more and more relaxed and really proud of how my cat from Police handled her new freedom.

I started looking for jobs, applied, had interviews, and was convinced that I will find something I will really like and that will allow me staying. One language school wanted to open a French class for university entrance tests and they wanted to hire me, if I was able to get the visa somehow.

At this point I still had no idea how impossible this was. It was only at a private school in Herzeliya that the school director told me what it means to hire somebody from abroad. This was the crucial moment I understood, that I will have to find another way.

And then everybody was telling me: You are hot, why don’t you get yourself an Israeli boyfriend? Why? Because I am not looking for another boyfriend in my life. I did this four times in my life and somehow it was never fulfilling. And now I wanted to take the time for myself and wait for something real. The thought of faking something I don’t believe in was absurd.

Which does not mean that I didn’t try it. I did a great casting and you can imagine how much guys in TLV are into commitment. In the end I even managed to find somebody willing to do this with me, but the rules of the game had changed in the meantime, and the stay was only according to my current visa. Ending on 12th September 2018.

My last chance was to go to the misrad hapnim and ask them for an extension of my third tourist visa. I spent countless hours there and we prepared all the needed documents. My friend Golan even wrote a very personal letter and I was convinced I will get another three months stay. Why should they say no?

Therefore I bought a ticket for the rabbits in the sand party on the 15th September. I went to the party and thought I am celebrating my stay in Israel.

The next day, Golan and I were going to the misrad to pick up the decision. I was ready to accept whatever was about to happen, cause already back in August I had this feeling, and I was telling this to a friend, that I feel like going home. Back then everything still seemed possible. But I felt that it would be a waste of time staying until the end of the year, not being able to legalize my stay and get a working permit.

Finally they call our number, the woman gives Golan a sheet of paper. He starts reading, he is upset. He tells me that they denied my request. It’s 16th September and I have 7 days to leave the country. 7 fucking days to leave my life not even knowing where to go. From this moment on I am functioning. I start organizing everything step my step.

Nobody wants to believe it. I do.

My only concern is Cookie, anything else is just things. I don’t really care about it. But my cat has to stay in the best place possible. I cannot take her with me. It’s holidays, there are no direct flights to Poland. My friend Sophia suggests to take Cookie, I know she will be great there, but I am concerned about Louis, she never lived with a dog before. But we risk it anyway. Real footage of the two:

It’s my last days in TLV. I meet people, go places, enjoy the beach and my city. My home. I try to take a bit of every person I met here with me. I try to keep the warmth and love they gave me. I try to keep this feeling of being finally home.

23th September is the day of my departure. It’s a Sunday, I take a cab to the airport. I get on the plane and as the engine starts, the tears begin to run…