What it’s like to be back in this place. It’s hard to put such overwhelming feelings into words. This city is colorful, vibrant, and dynamic. There is movement and sound everywhere, and there is something very special about Tel-Aviv. A smell that I noticed immediately I came out of the airport last September. Tel-Aviv has a sweet smell and although I am not a sweet person at all (I like it salty), I just love that smell.

Coming back to the places I have been, meeting the people I have met before. Just seemed like we had seen yesterday. And then you actually do what you have been doing in every new place you have been to. You find a place to stay, you check out your neighborhood, you check out where you can get something to eat, you start learning the language (of course I want to do this on my own), you start listening to Israeli music (which is the best way to a language), you walk the city for hours, you listen to people telling you their stories, and discover your spots. I think once you have done this, no matter where you go, it becomes universal.

This might seem risky or bold to people very much attached to their home place, but for me home is not a place anymore, it’s also not the people around me. My definition of home is my body, I am always at home with myself, this is where I feel safe and welcomed. Where I am taken care of, where I enjoy myself, and where I withdraw. I have given up the idea of a materialistic home, because I don’t want to restrict my life to 4 walls and a loan (which seems to be a life goal in Poland). But also because my personal healing process got me to the point that I realized, everything that is inside finds its equivalence on the outside, your body being the only real border to the outside world.

Another thing that will definitely distinguish me from others is my love for “first times”. Nothing is as magical as the first time. I love beginnings, I love first times. Meaning that there will always be changes in my life, and that I will not put so much effort in staying attached than in moving on. With time you see that connections that are true, will pass this test. My mother once called me a short distance runner, I don’t think so. I believe you have to put much more effort in staying true to yourself initiating changes in your life, than doing all your life the same things for security’s sake.

What I have learned so far: there will be no warm water until you don’t turn on the boiler. There will be never enough salt in your food (also everybody will tell you not to use it). Isaelis will blow the horn on every occasion, you feel it especially when you stay in Rothschild Boulevard! They do it to say hello, when you walk to slow, when they hit on you, when your outfit is too daring, to express being pissed off, because nothing is moving. In any way it never stops. People will just talk to you because they are open and interested. This is very nice unless somebody breaks into your comfort zone. You learn to say “lo, lo, and again lo”. There are more dogs than people in Tel-Aviv, at least it seems so and I love it. I think you can say a lot about a nation on how it treats their children and animals. Also there are plenty of cats in the streets, which makes me think of mine, still waiting for me to get her here (Cookie I already booked the flight). Furthermore, this city never sleeps, you can always go out and do something. There is music everywhere and a dancing nation is a happy nation. This is exactly what I am looking for.

And then there are the real people you will meet. This is the thing I love most about Israel, their warmth and openness. Coming from cold Europe this is kind of intimidating how close these people are, how much time they spend with their families and friends. For someone like me, used to my secure isolation it will take time to get used to this. I really feel like I came from another planet. Especially not having the family bonds and spending most of my life comfortably in solitude. I might seem very open, because I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I am far from let anybody come close to me. I guess this will be my biggest challenge this year. To let down my walls and build bridges instead. (I truely put a lot of effort in this.)

Still, I feel a certain resistance against people trying to tell me what is best for me. I mean this is the reason why I came here, because I did not feel like settling for anything and start a family, just because you would expect this from me. Because it is something you do at a certain age and stage in life. Even my family having started to put pressure on me. I guess you missed the call. I don’t feel it. Simply because this is nothing I ever experienced. But also because I just started liberating myself from wrong assumptions and beliefs that don’t belong to me.

Today, I had a really strong realisation: what we want is often not what we need. Let that sink in. I was raised as such an independent individual always heading the next goal, just like climbing mountains all my life. And now I am about to change into the settle mode? Have a partner I will put my expectations and restriction on? Have children I will own and put my will upon? This is not what I was made for. This is nothing I want to carry on in my life. What I want to do for living? Take care of myself. In the best way possible. This is what I feel that I need to do. Find community, find connection, and get to know as many stories as possible (interest is the greatest gift you can give to somebody). For stories inspire us, distract us, and make us do extraordinary things.

So this is one of the reasons I came here, because this is the place where I feel free, where I only think of myself and do what feels right for me. At the moment, there are more questions than answers. It’s the first steps I am taking. Not knowing where my journey is going. And guess what. I feel safe, I feel secure, and I love it, the idea that there are a lot more first times to come.

Coming back to TLV felt so easy. Once the plane touched ground, I started feeling it again. This absolute feeling of happiness. Incredible. If just being in this place could make you this happy, imagine just what a whole life could do to you.

This time everything went very smoothly. No extra checks, no weird questions. And while walking through the airport building, I had this strong feeling that I did not come here to work, but to serve. To do something that will be compatible with my ideology of helping and supporting people.

Heading for Jaffa, my friend left me a message that she had an emergency and won’t be there to welcome me. Uff! This was not what I was expecting, having not slept the whole night, I was just dreaming of getting a hot shower and get into bed. And since there is always a way, she told me to go to her apartment and to climb the fence to get in. Wow! I mean I saw pictures of her doing it on facebook, but me? Really?

As you can imagine I climbed that damn fence to get what I was longing for. And there I was, alone in this amazing place I have had the craziest time last september. Though it did not feel right to be there alone. I was safe and had a place to stay, but I kept on worrying and couldn’t wait my friend to be back. I mean this was my first night having left everything, in a foreign country, all by my own so far from home.

Once my friend got back I realized that the party actually never ended. And that I was in the completely wrong time zone! There was this long party weekend I could not participate in and there was a great lack of sleep for me. Oh dear! In Germany we say that “you walk on your gums”. This is exactly what I did! And although I loved having her around and staying at this amazing studio in Jaffa, I realized I had to find something of my own ASAP if no one should be harmed. Plus I was desperately yearning for a washing machine!!

At this point I need to tell you something about laundry. There are actually only two kinds of people, those who like to be in control and do their laundry on their own, and those who just give it away. Period. And I remember being here last september and watching my bae doing his laundry actually everytime I was there. He was really taking his time doing it and I enjoyed watching him. Not having a clue how crucial this will become at some point.

Searching for an apartment in Tel-Aviv is already an adventure as such. The first place was in a great location and I liked the guys, but the apartment as such was a nightmare. No way! The second place was much nicer, I liked the house, the flat, and also the roommate immediately. He even had a washing machine!! This time the place was not agreeable. I was in the ghetto of TLV and I really didn’t feel comfortable getting there. This sucked because I immediately felt at home there.

So I continued my search, the third place being in my beloved Floretine and here I got really shook by my potential roommate telling me about his weed license, smoking sessions, and a sexually harassing roommate I was to replace. WTF!? And beside all this weird stuff, he was trying to convince me that he is a really chill person, while telling me that I will always have to clean everything right after use. OMFG! If you want to get rid of me, apply pressure! And although I saw the washing machine being so close, I couldn’t picture myself with such a complex* character. Bye…

The fourth place on my list was the biggest disappointment. It was suppossed to be a very nice place in Jaffa, and apart from the fact that it was 2km away from old Jaffa, the apartment was not as shown in the pictures. This is cheating!! I simply didn’t like it, plus there was a washing machine not working. Can you imagine this? Like watching her but not being able to use her!? Nope.

At this point I had already moved to the hostel, because my body was screaming for sleep and because I loved my friend too much to kill her. After two nights at the hostel my reservation was about to end, plus I was missing my cat and refused to give my dirty laundry to a washing salon. So after having seen four apartments, I realized that I was kind of homeless. I mean there are many Israelis offering their couch to you, but as my professor used to say “but there is a big but(t)” and it’s not going to me mine!

So finally it was February, the full moon just passed, and I had two more apartments to see. When I got to the Rothschild Boulevard, standing in front of this amazing historic building I knew that this was it. Home! Even before getting in and seeing one of the rooms. This was exactly where I wanted to be… and there was a washing machine too.

It’s easy to take bold decisions when the sun is shining, everybody is happy and healthy, and you just discovered for yourself the promised land. This is what happened last September, when I fulfilled my biggest dream to go to Israel and ended my journey with a visit in Jerusalem.

Already going there was highly emotional for me, standing at the Western Wall and putting my piece of paper with my wish on it into it, I was crying like a baby. It was a crying of relief. I knew that God will make my wish come true and that everything will be different from that point on. But I also also knew that I needed to come back for him to make it true.

So after my return to Poland everything was quite clear. I was to do the needed medical examinations proving that I am healthy enough to leave for Israel, quit my job, move out of my apartment, store my stuff, and sell my car. This sounded like an awesome plan.

Suddenly you see how many people are in favour of your happiness and ready to support you. Regardless of their loss, they just want you to be happy. Stick to those! The first thing I did was to check whether and under which conditions I could take my cat with me. Then I made up with friends who would take what of my stuff to store it for the next year.

Preparing my medical examinations already got me into trouble. I got some wrong medication and fell sick, everthing had to wait and got postponed. With time the pressure got so big that all my life was only focused on these two examinations. Which fortunately did not bring any negative results.

So I quit my job, sold my car, moved out of my apartment, just to learn that Israel changed its import law for animals last august and that we did not only had to prepare a huge medical documentation for my cat, but also needed to ask the Israeli Ministery for allowance to import my cat.

This was actually one of the worst moments for me. I remember that I was at the office and went to the toilette to cry. Because if I could not take her with me at all, my dream of going back to Israel ended at this point. Fortunately, I had friends who kept telling me that we are going to find a way, that she will be able to go with me. Also meaning that my arrival date was postponed from the beginning to the end of January.

And here you start questioning your amibitions. Why is there so much in my way? Where do all these obstacles come from? This is all part of the process, it’s not just saying yes when everything is agreeable, it’s also about go on when the weather changes, when the storm becomes very strong. Of course you cannot do this on your own, of course you need help from family and friends. They lead you out of the storm, when you already lost sight.

And then comes the most difficult part. After the storm has passed, you get confronted with the storm inside yourself. All the hidden thougts and assumptions holding you back from doing what is best for you. This was the moment that I realized that I cannot start something new, without reconciliating with my family history and my past. The emotional burden was so heavy, that I fell sick again.

This time it was worse, meaning that I spent weeks in pain, preparing my departure, still not knowing whether I would go at all. This was the case until the day of my departure and I realized how much it was about ME taking care of myself, loving and appreciating everything that is, and let go of everything that was not part of me.

So actually there was a big journey before I could start my journey to Israel. And throughout all that time I didn’t even question once my feeling that I need to go back there. The day I arrived in Israel the weather changed and a storm came up.

Maybe not the conventional way to start, but just to let you to know, where my calling comes from. Did you ever make such an experience? Knowing without knowing a thing?

This is exactly what happened to me, when I made my biggest wish come true this year. I went to Israel. This is something I was always dreaming of. Do dreams come true? Yes, they do!

Why Isreal? This was something everybody would ask me. BECAUSE. There are so many reasons for me going there, that I would even not be able to write them all down here, but at least I would like to give the most crucial ones.

Living in Berlin, I was always feeling the jewish LACK in the city. I was seeing the stones in the ground and I felt that my husband, my family, and my belonging where missing here. A deeply rooted connection with Judaism that can not be explained or proved, but was always there.

Then I met this artist from TLV in Berlin’s most famous fetish club and everything he was telling me about Israel and TLV, I soaked it in like a sponge. Like a substance I was missing for such a long time and with him I began to seek and love everything that was connected with Israel. He became my drug I needed to get high.

With time, I met also Jews from eastern Europe, I also connected to immediately. This showed me how special these folks were. But also that I was missing something in my life that went way further than family or nationality. It was a special belonging I was longing for and all came together in this promised land I created my illusion of as a special place.

Therefore, 2017 I decided that it was time to prove whether this all was real or just a dream. I travelled to Israel all by my own and was more than amazed by the world that I found. Despite the nice weather and the incredibly modern city, I met exactly the kind of people I was looking for. I have no idea whether they know how special they are – I mean I saw documentaries on TLV! But I really felt that there is a reason why this is the holy land and why these people are seen by others as a threat. They are all conntected in a special way and they have an attitude I was longing for all my life. Live like there is no tomorrow.