I wanted to be real, to be authentic, be vulnerable, I wanted to show myself naked but I wasn’t really aware of what this would mean. We all think we are ourselves but in reality, we are only showing a picture to the outside world that went through our own lens, our lens of insecurity, anxiety, woundedness, or not deservingness. So whatever we are projecting onto the outside world is somehow only a part of us, sometimes even just a part we would wish for.

So now that I am here in this place all by myself in this state of isolation and transformation what should I show you? Which part of me should I exhibit if none of them actually currently feels like me. I thought I have to reach a certain stage, get somewhere, and achieve something to be able to share something with the world. But the truth is that I just had to make space for the voice that had something to say. I didn’t have to be fully aligned and perfect at all times.

I just had to listen to what this little voice inside me had to say like nobody ever did before. All my life I was confident, loud, and seemingly taking a lot of space. But this was just compensating for something that was actually never given attention and never listened to. This part of me was very insecure, this part of me was never validated, this part of me wanted to share so much with the world but simply didn’t know how.

And now that I accomplished my healing journey, I invested time and effort to make myself heard, it was just about doing the first step, diving into the deep water, going out, and starting the conversation I didn’t know. Wow, I still think it’s something crazy, like how should you do this? And even now when I try to be naked, there is a lot of resistance within me not allowing myself to take my guards down. And this is basically what I was working on in the last 6 months. To take down all of the armor that I built up throughout the years that was protecting myself, shielding myself against the outside world.

How did I get there? I simply started by taking my space within. I was able to connect with my heart, I was able to feel myself, and I was able to listen to myself and trust myself. So all this armor and protection was not needed anymore. I could simply take it off. This step made me naked and vulnerable, but it also made me softer, much more me. But how do you interact with your environment when you are still about to figure out which voice you want to be for the world?

I want to be honest and direct, I want to help people think and reflect on themselves, I want to allow them to feel, but not just by evoking emotions and reactions, I actually want them to feel comfortable and at ease to share where they come from, what their journey was like, and what they are actually concerned about. I want people to have a safe place with me. Simply because I never really had this place. This does not mean I grew up in traumatic circumstances, but I received a lot of energy that I was not able to deal with as a highly sensitive child. And I never got the validation for what I felt that I needed, I never got the chance to experience as well as talk about my feelings, understand, and deal with my feelings. Not because my parents didn’t love me or neglected me, but simply because they were not able to deal with these things, so I had somehow to figure it out myself, to navigate my way through life.

It was a long journey, a journey of many years, lessons, and disappointments. And I was always asking myself: Why is my expectation not going along with my feelings, why do these two never match? Why can I not reach common ground with what I picture for myself and what I feel about myself?

It was tough, it was tough to experience this again and again. At some point, you think it’s the same messengers and lessons coming back to you. They just take different forms and shapes, living in different bodies but I was encountering the same kind of situations and challenges throughout my life. Yes, there were good times but there were bad times too, and now that I am 40 and half my life has already passed and I still feel like I am wandering, that my home is not here. I want the clarity, certainty, and comfort of finally feeling home, finding a home, creating a home, and coming home.

How many years can you wander? I start feeling like Moses who was wandering 40 years through the desert. After all my travels and journeys, this number invited me to come home finally. Throughout my life, I was chasing experiences, situations, people, and excitement. I never wanted stability in my life. I always wanted to fly, I always wanted to move, and I always wanted to jump. I never wanted to stand still. I never wanted to be patient and wait, I was always taking a shortcut in the fast lane. I didn’t accept delays or postponements to my immediate satisfaction. Living fully my hedonistic nature.

And guess what, life is serving me now all the lessons after handing me the exams to take. This is how life is challenging me, holding me back until this very point in my life. The point where I decided to be finally naked. To show the world who I am, not to hold back anymore, because at the end of the day it was an agreement between me and the creator to come here and to serve my purpose by not holding myself back anymore. But allowing myself to be me, to enlighten the world, to share awareness, to grow consciousness, and to show my bare naked self.

Sometimes it seems that history is repeating. Just that this time you are wiser, much more experienced, and aware of your moves.

In September 2017 I went to Israel and fell madly and deeply in love. What happened afterwards can only be explained this way. I came back to Poland by the end of September and started to organize my leaving for good. Sitting here in Berlin I wonder how I did this, but I remember well why this was even possible. Simply because I had the most amazing people by my side telling me that I should follow my feeling and dream and supporting me in it.

Now, almost exactly 3 years later I am sitting here with another crazy plan. Just that this time I don’t have this supporting environment. And of course I am much more reasonable about it, being back in Germany for more than 1,5 years now. But sitting here the last 9 months on my own also pushed me to finally priorize things I was always putting aside, because of all the distractions I had. Now, I am constantly working on my spiritual practice, acquiring new skills, and working on keeping the balance in my everyday life.

So what happened 2020 for me? I realized that there must be some other place of happiness for me. And since it was not possible to go there physically, I had to create my inner happy place. I was working on freeing myself from all the patterns, believes, and blockages I had acquired throughout my life. Each month I was doing guided meditations with my energy healer Adriaan and surprisingly finding all the answers I needed. Life is about how you handle plan B. As you know this time I didn’t habe a plan B, I didn’t want to go for second best. But let’s be honest, I am sitting in Berlin, the last place I would have pictured myself.

Since I knew there won’t be any way back to Israel this year, I wanted to check out other places that could have similar aspects for me. In August, I went to Malta and discovered this little island for myself. I really liked it, but culture wise I really couldn’t feel further from a catholic society, where everybody not only knows everybody, but is most probably related. Moreover, I was not amazed by the food or the location. So all in all I had a great holiday, but not more than that.

When I was going to Cyprus, things were already different before going there. I knew somebody I connected with in Bucarest and I had my Israeli friend who connected me with his friends there. I knew I would like it before even being there, and thank God I really did. This place is probably the closest I can get to Israel. But of course you don’t get married with a plan B immediately. You need to take your time to get to know the people, which was not really possible due to Corona. You have to feel the vibe despite all that is in its way.

You know when you go to new places and then create a mind map of the areas you got to know? This is what I always do, I walk all the places and cities I visit, because this is how I create my mind map. I did this in Toulouse, La Palma, Paris, Szczecin… just in TLV it didn’t work like that. In TLV every step I walked burned itself into my heart. Every street I crossed and every person I met is still there. So you can imagine that when I was in Cyprus and saw all these places reminding me of Israel, my heart was ichting every time. It was like opening your heart to a new place, but at the same time feeling and comparing your first love continously.

So yes, Israel has its special place in my heart and I was trying my best to give this new place a chance. Did I succeed? I did. How was it? BOMBA! Despite the climate, the beaches and sea ( I only dived into twice when jumping off the cliff), I really enjoyed the great company, amazing food, the warmth and generosity, the great atmosphere, and the joy of life connecting all the people living there, whether it’s Cypriots or people who moved there. So even while still being there I decided to give it a try. Adriaan my energy healer told me: Don’t put so much pressure on this decision, it doesn’t mean you have to stay there forever. And he was damn right.

Once you make a decision, the universe will follow your steps, and your path will appear. After all this time sitting in my room in Berlin, I was dreaming of a house with garden and I found more than that. I found an amazing home with an open-minded and adventurous soul like mine. Ever since I left Israel I was dreaming of finding my way back, of creating a connection that will allow me to come and go as I want it. And now even this wish seems to be getting granted. 2021 you started in the most amazing way. 2020 was about home coming. It was about seeing who really matters and bonding again with my family. I came home after almost 20 years of wandering. And only reestablishing this connection made it possible for me to finally make the move to the life of my dreams.

I am on my way, 2020 gave me the chance to build a solid foundation to build my castle in the air on. It gave me a lot of space to grow into. It made me change my perception of myself and others, and it made me see that it’s mostly not about me, so why taking things personally? Life is really about how you feel about yourself and treat yourself. Let go of things and people not meant for you and find your crowd to flow with like a fish. 2021 is already my year, because I moved with my cat to another country during a pandemic. And this is so me!

As our isolation continues the initial enthusiasm is gone. We realize slowly that this reality we are facing will probably be a part of our life for an undefinded long time. Unless, the Israelis will come up with a vaccine. And as already one arab country after the other is announcing that they gonna take it, I definitely TRUST in TEAM ISRAEL, YALLA!

But having a closer look at our daily life, the winners seem to be clear. People in loving, caring, and supporting families/communities. I am happy for everybody who is already part of such a family, but also for those who now see clearly what they lack. And where they will be heading once this is over.

So how does my life look like right now? Although I stay most of my time at home, I never looked this homeless. Although I wear so much sportswear, I have never been so inactive. Although I drink so much wine, I never had so little “savoir vivre” in my life. And although I started to buy stuff online, I never needed so little as now. 

But I also haven’t been this tanned and juicy in years. I have never been saving so much money I do currently. I was never so hard working as I am now. Corona is enhancing our lives like a magnifiying glass. I feel that my work is swallowing me completely and there is no space anymore for myself or anything else. While other people on the opposite have to stay home and are confronted with themselves. Life will always serve you the lesson that you need. 

What is happening now on a global level is nothing else than a social revolution. Didn’t we have enough of exploitation? 8.000 children die daily from hunger, but nobody is posting this on social media, because this is not a disease that can affect the rich and mighty. And only now we will meet ourselves at our limits of solidarity. Our governments are telling us to be solidary with our elder people, but the reality looks quite different. People are just afraid and see their enemy in every person. There is a big generation gap and little of understanding of what we currently go through.

But how could we take care of others, if we are not even able to take care of ourselves? This isolation is also confronting us with our shadows. The parts of us we like to hide underneath a busy lifestyle, underneath our need to help others, our need to numb ourselves, our need to impress others. But the thing is, there is nothing that I could say to make you feel better, but this one thing: Life loves you, and life will only confront you with things you are for sure able to handle. Life happens FOR you, and not TO you. This might sound harsh, but growth always happens outside the comfort zone and with a bit of pain. So this is the time to confront yourselves and deal with parts that could have stayed hidden. 

“Love thy neighbour as thyself.”

How do we meet other people? Just the way we are able to meet ourselves. So if we look into the mirror. Do we love ourselves? Do we trust ourselves? Do we support ourselves? Are we able to meet others with a positive intention? This thought is the seed we are planting for every interaction we have with ourselves as well as others. And especially now that we cannot hide beneath our everyday life, this intention and thoughts become much clearer.

The detachment of your community resulted in the outcome, that acting in our best own interest couldn’t include others anymore. And what was the driving force for this? Our ego. So if we want to be connected again, we have to leave behind not only our ego, but also our loneliness, our feeling of  “I am the only person in the world”, the comparison with others, and especially the putting ourselves above others.

And what function does Corona have in all this? It is dissolving our ego. It is breaking our isolation that we feel. How does this relate to the ongoing April holidays? If we look at Pessach the exit and return from Egypt became the exit and return from our ego. And if we look at Easter we understand that Jesus was carrying the cross for us, just as we need to carry it now, for ourselves, for humanity. We know that Jesus was suffering for us, ALL BY HIMSELF, without knowing us. What is the price for us to leave the world of the ego? What do we have to realize and understand, but also to take on us (responsibility and integrity) to dissolve it?

After Corona was under control in Italy, there were groups of people who met up and were talking and sharing on what they experienced. And what was striking was that the Italians were saying: We cannot go back to normal. After you have been through all this fear and pain, this changes you, it transforms you, maybe even dissolves you. People need to get aware of the upcoming changes. The more you will resist to those changes, the more you will try to hold on to the old, the more in pain you will be. Every person who stood at the crossroads of life understands that you need to let go of something in order to receive something new with open arms. 

But this time the change won’t be coming from the governments, because we all can see how restricted their options are. We can all see how helpless they are at the moment. The change is a social one, not a forced one upon us. But one that is coming from within. We are the generation that is questioning the system. We are the generation that is questioning what is currently happening to us. We have all the information sources available and we don’t trust our rulers anymore. We understood long time ago that these systems play a zero sum game with us and that we need to create our own structures.

Check out #brooklynforlife where restaurants are cooking for hospitals for free, meanwhile getting some funding from donations. Do you see what is happening? That people are creating social structures by themselves to distribute their resources and support each other. Do you think any system would support this? No, because the system is ego driven and yearning for isolation and a constant yearning within its users. We can create something way more sustainable and we don’t need anybody to show us how, because we all carry this eternal yearning for connection within us.

What does it mean for most of us to be home? We realize that time is just a concept, the same applies for clothes. On the other hand I am communicating more than ever before in my life. I talk to people, I even video call them. Suddenly everybody is speaking about Zoom and despite all the technical progress in our high-tech lives, this situation shows clearly how little we know about the connection of live stream and sound. Suddenly I sit in meetings with 250 persons and we have our cameras on. We finally see the people behind the job positions.

How are we affected here in Berlin? For now, people were relying on our common sense and of course we went out on Saturday to see the sun and breathe fresh air. I think you cannot expect from people that they will sit at home for weeks. But there are also rules that make you wonder. Such as that we are not allowed to go see our parents, BUT we are allowed to go on Tinder dates, because (attention pls) they usually don’t include more than two persons and are about talking. REALLY!? Why did I not get this information before?

But what are the things that move into our focus now? What does The Rona (as ppl in the US call her) bring us. It brings stability, stillness, and reflection. There is no place we are going to, apart from home, we are present, because we can only take the day moment by moment. Something that comes to us effortlessly in a time where people pay a lot of money to be trained to feel the present moment again. The decisions we take now are only based on our current state.

Our priorities switch, because for many years we abandoned our homes to be part of an outside system that uses us for its benefits. And just as we abandoned our homes, we gradually abandoned our mother earth, only taking advantage of its resources, the inanimate as well as animate. Not aware of the idea that by doing so, we also abandoned a part of ourselves. The part that will be always yearning for a safe and happy place – our soul. So maybe it can be helpful for you to change the perspective from: you are not stuck at home, you are safe at home.

“If you want to change the world, go home and love your family.” (Mother Teresa) So how would the world would look like, if we me made home our priority again? It’s great to see how people are investing in themselves, in their families, and homes. Many of my friends started planting plants, work in their garden, which is so symbolic and beautiful. It gives us hope. It makes us feel part of nature again and shows that everything in life is cyclic and under constant change.

And the world? Doesn’t seem to need us at all. Our planet breathes again and is recovering. The greatest loss of this situation would be, if we go back to normal without changing anything. It’s also interesting how much the ego searches for a cause of this pandemic. But what does this tell about us, if we cannot accept the arbitrary of nature but need to find a guilty party? It indicates that the enemy is within us, because we can only imagine people doing something this cruel and destructive.

As most of you know, I am not a big fan of the current systems and being part of them. I am yearning for a breakdown of old structures and only then it will show in what kind of societies we live in. Whether we will be able to redistribute our resources. To understand that the way men were creating these structures, they were following their exploiting nature. We all can see that these systems will never reach an equal level of abundance for all of us. There will never be enough, because despite the seeming availability, we are raised with a constant lack within us. Always yearning for more. Otherwise we could not handle this:

“How in the hell could a man enjoy being awakened at 6:30 a.m. by an alarm clock, leap out of bed, dress, force-feed, shit, piss, brush teeth and hair, and fight traffic to get to a place where essentially you made lots of money for somebody else and were asked to be grateful for the opportunity to do so?” (Charles Bukowski)

We lack purpose and direction. We are in need of correction, which we will be able to find in giving, doing, kindness, and connection. If you want to dive into some insights of Kabbalah I highly recommend the #Quaranteam which gives a positive outlook on the current situation and puts things into perspective, check on: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aikyXweCh2k.

Be your great change within.
Your beatitude.