I wanted to be real, to be authentic, be vulnerable, I wanted to show myself naked but I wasn’t really aware of what this would mean. We all think we are ourselves but in reality, we are only showing a picture to the outside world that went through our own lens, our lens of insecurity, anxiety, woundedness, or not deservingness. So whatever we are projecting onto the outside world is somehow only a part of us, sometimes even just a part we would wish for.
So now that I am here in this place all by myself in this state of isolation and transformation what should I show you? Which part of me should I exhibit if none of them actually currently feels like me. I thought I have to reach a certain stage, get somewhere, and achieve something to be able to share something with the world. But the truth is that I just had to make space for the voice that had something to say. I didn’t have to be fully aligned and perfect at all times.
I just had to listen to what this little voice inside me had to say like nobody ever did before. All my life I was confident, loud, and seemingly taking a lot of space. But this was just compensating for something that was actually never given attention and never listened to. This part of me was very insecure, this part of me was never validated, this part of me wanted to share so much with the world but simply didn’t know how.
And now that I accomplished my healing journey, I invested time and effort to make myself heard, it was just about doing the first step, diving into the deep water, going out, and starting the conversation I didn’t know. Wow, I still think it’s something crazy, like how should you do this? And even now when I try to be naked, there is a lot of resistance within me not allowing myself to take my guards down. And this is basically what I was working on in the last 6 months. To take down all of the armor that I built up throughout the years that was protecting myself, shielding myself against the outside world.
How did I get there? I simply started by taking my space within. I was able to connect with my heart, I was able to feel myself, and I was able to listen to myself and trust myself. So all this armor and protection was not needed anymore. I could simply take it off. This step made me naked and vulnerable, but it also made me softer, much more me. But how do you interact with your environment when you are still about to figure out which voice you want to be for the world?
I want to be honest and direct, I want to help people think and reflect on themselves, I want to allow them to feel, but not just by evoking emotions and reactions, I actually want them to feel comfortable and at ease to share where they come from, what their journey was like, and what they are actually concerned about. I want people to have a safe place with me. Simply because I never really had this place. This does not mean I grew up in traumatic circumstances, but I received a lot of energy that I was not able to deal with as a highly sensitive child. And I never got the validation for what I felt that I needed, I never got the chance to experience as well as talk about my feelings, understand, and deal with my feelings. Not because my parents didn’t love me or neglected me, but simply because they were not able to deal with these things, so I had somehow to figure it out myself, to navigate my way through life.
It was a long journey, a journey of many years, lessons, and disappointments. And I was always asking myself: Why is my expectation not going along with my feelings, why do these two never match? Why can I not reach common ground with what I picture for myself and what I feel about myself?
It was tough, it was tough to experience this again and again. At some point, you think it’s the same messengers and lessons coming back to you. They just take different forms and shapes, living in different bodies but I was encountering the same kind of situations and challenges throughout my life. Yes, there were good times but there were bad times too, and now that I am 40 and half my life has already passed and I still feel like I am wandering, that my home is not here. I want the clarity, certainty, and comfort of finally feeling home, finding a home, creating a home, and coming home.
How many years can you wander? I start feeling like Moses who was wandering 40 years through the desert. After all my travels and journeys, this number invited me to come home finally. Throughout my life, I was chasing experiences, situations, people, and excitement. I never wanted stability in my life. I always wanted to fly, I always wanted to move, and I always wanted to jump. I never wanted to stand still. I never wanted to be patient and wait, I was always taking a shortcut in the fast lane. I didn’t accept delays or postponements to my immediate satisfaction. Living fully my hedonistic nature.
And guess what, life is serving me now all the lessons after handing me the exams to take. This is how life is challenging me, holding me back until this very point in my life. The point where I decided to be finally naked. To show the world who I am, not to hold back anymore, because at the end of the day it was an agreement between me and the creator to come here and to serve my purpose by not holding myself back anymore. But allowing myself to be me, to enlighten the world, to share awareness, to grow consciousness, and to show my bare naked self.
my beatitude 
Leave a comment