What it’s like to be back in this place. It’s hard to put such overwhelming feelings into words. This city is colorful, vibrant, and dynamic. There is movement and sound everywhere, and there is something very special about Tel-Aviv. A smell that I noticed immediately I came out of the airport last September. Tel-Aviv has a sweet smell and although I am not a sweet person at all (I like it salty), I just love that smell.
Coming back to the places I have been, meeting the people I have met before. Just seemed like we had seen yesterday. And then you actually do what you have been doing in every new place you have been to. You find a place to stay, you check out your neighborhood, you check out where you can get something to eat, you start learning the language (of course I want to do this on my own), you start listening to Israeli music (which is the best way to a language), you walk the city for hours, you listen to people telling you their stories, and discover your spots. I think once you have done this, no matter where you go, it becomes universal.
This might seem risky or bold to people very much attached to their home place, but for me home is not a place anymore, it’s also not the people around me. My definition of home is my body, I am always at home with myself, this is where I feel safe and welcomed. Where I am taken care of, where I enjoy myself, and where I withdraw. I have given up the idea of a materialistic home, because I don’t want to restrict my life to 4 walls and a loan (which seems to be a life goal in Poland). But also because my personal healing process got me to the point that I realized, everything that is inside finds its equivalence on the outside, your body being the only real border to the outside world.
Another thing that will definitely distinguish me from others is my love for “first times”. Nothing is as magical as the first time. I love beginnings, I love first times. Meaning that there will always be changes in my life, and that I will not put so much effort in staying attached than in moving on. With time you see that connections that are true, will pass this test. My mother once called me a short distance runner, I don’t think so. I believe you have to put much more effort in staying true to yourself initiating changes in your life, than doing all your life the same things for security’s sake.
What I have learned so far: there will be no warm water until you don’t turn on the boiler. There will be never enough salt in your food (also everybody will tell you not to use it). Isaelis will blow the horn on every occasion, you feel it especially when you stay in Rothschild Boulevard! They do it to say hello, when you walk to slow, when they hit on you, when your outfit is too daring, to express being pissed off, because nothing is moving. In any way it never stops. People will just talk to you because they are open and interested. This is very nice unless somebody breaks into your comfort zone. You learn to say “lo, lo, and again lo”. There are more dogs than people in Tel-Aviv, at least it seems so and I love it. I think you can say a lot about a nation on how it treats their children and animals. Also there are plenty of cats in the streets, which makes me think of mine, still waiting for me to get her here (Cookie I already booked the flight). Furthermore, this city never sleeps, you can always go out and do something. There is music everywhere and a dancing nation is a happy nation. This is exactly what I am looking for.
And then there are the real people you will meet. This is the thing I love most about Israel, their warmth and openness. Coming from cold Europe this is kind of intimidating how close these people are, how much time they spend with their families and friends. For someone like me, used to my secure isolation it will take time to get used to this. I really feel like I came from another planet. Especially not having the family bonds and spending most of my life comfortably in solitude. I might seem very open, because I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I am far from let anybody come close to me. I guess this will be my biggest challenge this year. To let down my walls and build bridges instead. (I truely put a lot of effort in this.)
Still, I feel a certain resistance against people trying to tell me what is best for me. I mean this is the reason why I came here, because I did not feel like settling for anything and start a family, just because you would expect this from me. Because it is something you do at a certain age and stage in life. Even my family having started to put pressure on me. I guess you missed the call. I don’t feel it. Simply because this is nothing I ever experienced. But also because I just started liberating myself from wrong assumptions and beliefs that don’t belong to me.
Today, I had a really strong realisation: what we want is often not what we need. Let that sink in. I was raised as such an independent individual always heading the next goal, just like climbing mountains all my life. And now I am about to change into the settle mode? Have a partner I will put my expectations and restriction on? Have children I will own and put my will upon? This is not what I was made for. This is nothing I want to carry on in my life. What I want to do for living? Take care of myself. In the best way possible. This is what I feel that I need to do. Find community, find connection, and get to know as many stories as possible (interest is the greatest gift you can give to somebody). For stories inspire us, distract us, and make us do extraordinary things.
So this is one of the reasons I came here, because this is the place where I feel free, where I only think of myself and do what feels right for me. At the moment, there are more questions than answers. It’s the first steps I am taking. Not knowing where my journey is going. And guess what. I feel safe, I feel secure, and I love it, the idea that there are a lot more first times to come.
my beatitude 
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